Hollywood Good

Dear Steve Hofmeyr,

We’ve never met, and what I know of you is what I’ve gleaned from newspaper and magazine articles that detail your suburban conquests there in the East Rand, or wherever your haunt is. You don’t know me, which I’m perfectly happy with.

Despite all this, I decided to write this little letter to you. I think you already know what it’s about. Ja, seriously, dude. What was that hissy fit you threw the other day all about?

I wasn’t going to write to you at first, not wanting to legitimise your childishness, but then I thought about all those poor people who take you seriously, and it is for their sake that I write this.

“You must appeal to base sentiment as Africa has yet to yield a single intellectual, a single thought school, a single intellectual thought not inspired by the very West you and Mugabe detest.”

Seriously, Steve? Is that what you think of Africa?

You think you’ve got problems with Julius, Steve, what about me? Every time this guy gets onto a podium, he proffers to speak on my behalf, just because I’m young and black and not that well endowed, materially speaking. He shoots the boer, in my name. He calls Helen Zille all sorts of nasty things, in my name. He insults Patricia de Lille, in my name. He goes to Zim, gets a big pat on the back from that dictator, in my name! He tramples on constitutional values, in my name.

Well, here’s a bomb shell for you, Steve. Julius Malema and the ANC Youth League do not speak on my behalf. And I know of many young blacks who cringe every time he opens his mouth to speak. The media aren’t so interested in what we have to say, of course. I mean, not being insulting isn’t as newsworthy as being insulting.

Do you know how difficult it is to have to answer for Malema every time I’m with white people, Steve, just because I’m young and black? Do you know how much that frustrates me? And I’m not alone in this. I know I’m not the only one.

Julius is now banned from singing “shoot the boer”. Well done to you and your AfriForum tjommies, by the way. That’s him told. But he’ll still be black and controversial tomorrow. He’ll still get up and say those things on my behalf. That’s not going away any time soon for me. So before you paint us young blacks in one massive stroke, remember me.

I also find it quite funny that you “own” Westernism, just because you’re a white man. Don’t give me that “us” vs “you” nonsense. Where were YOU when the printing press was invented, Steve? Where were YOU when the nuclear bomb was invented? Did you help Gottlieb Daimler with that first motor vehicle? Did Thomas Edison consult with you when he had that light-bulb idea? Until Julius Malema drives a car that YOU built, and wears a shirt that YOU designed, don’t come at me with that humus.

The irony of having to hear a lecture on originality from a man who sings Neil Diamond covers for a living isn’t lost on me either.

Steve, here’s a word of advice. I know you mean well. You had the moral upper hand and everything, but you squandered it by being a cracker. Leave this sort of thing to the people who know what they’re doing when they put pen to paper, alright? Go back to doing whatever it is you do when you aren’t riding bike in the veld. Go back to impressing suburban housewives with that lush goatee of yours.

Warmest regards,

Sipho Hlongwane

http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/siphohlongwane/2010/04/16/need-any-help-removing-your-head-from-your-arse-steve/

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Dear Sipho

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I always think of Sipho as the generic term for a garden boy! Anyway as for a Hlong well we all no that refers to a fellow called Dick. Anyway getting side tracked here so your little rant about old Steve is a little rich coming from a nobody whose only claim to fame is that young Floyd threatened you or so you allege?

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Steve on the other hand has more talent in his left little finger than you have in your entire hollow cranium dear fellow. Steve has many a claim to fame not least and as you so condescendingly said his “covers of Neil Diamond” but then I suppose most black people would not understand the white mans taste in music and probably think its all just “Vrot Pampoen”

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Darn I keep getting side tracked here! Oh yes I was just going to say freedom of speech is a wonderful constitutional right and you of all people should relish nay embrace that freedom. However you have had a taste of the dizzy high that a little limelight can give a man so you now spend your time bashing all and sundry from the top of your little shoe box screaming fowl from the depths of speakZA etcetera. Now then you expecting me to say this is wrong of you but that would be hypocritical on my part would it not? So my dear man I like your rants and machinations for it is in them that your true character is revealed!

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What would that character be you may ask? Well that is easy it is of a man who bemoans the freedoms of speech and press yet hails most who do use this freedom as lunatics and deranged people especially if they do not talk the language or the politics that you in your infinite wisdom believe to be correct. Now my good man yes it is your right and duty to comment on anybody’s thoughts and writings just as I am doing here but beware for not all are going to be kind or agree with your rhetoric just as not all agree with Steve who talks for a limited group of people and does not profess to talk for the likes of you

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Have a great day Sipho

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Yours in Translation