Hollywood Good

If you are a prude don't watch this song

The Taxi Recapitalisation Programme

Inevitably, the National Taxi Drivers’ Organisation has asked my friend, Philemon Tshabalala, the demon taxi-driver of Diepsloot, to road-test these new, safer 18 and 35 seater maxi-taxis. The Transport Minister wants these vehicles to replace the notoriously dangerous minibus taxis. Otherwise known as High Impact African Culling Equipment (HiAce for short),

Philemon’s’ report has caused a stir among the manufacturers,

Maxi-taxi road test by Philemon Tshabalala:

‘My test shows that the 35-seater holds 157 passengers, at a squeeze, so to speak. The roof managed to support a good three tons of luggage, chickens, goats and building material. This is a big advantage over the minibuses. Despite a cargo of this magnitude, during my test run to Pietersburg, the vehicle handled well and experienced very few serious accidents. I did encounter one blow out on the left rear tyre where Mrs Gumbe was sitting she does weigh a lot I think more than 240 kgs

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At one time the back assembly became incandescent or glowing a red colour because the handbrake had been left on. This ignited the petrol tank, but most passengers managed to alight. (Alert readers will spot Philemons’ little pun.) We however managed to repair the bus at the roadside with pieces of corrugated iron and wire using a hammer and resumed our journey.

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The bus, now reduced to a 26-seater, was in fact now much easier to handle, especially when cornering at speeds in excess of 160kms per hour. I liked the 18-seater as It can accommodate 77 passengers – nine under the seats and one in the spacious engine compartment (at reduced fare.) It put up an impressive performance on the Soweto route, but only after the electronic speed-governor had been neutralised by striking it with a pipe wrench. This speed control device will not be well accepted. Crawling down the Soweto highway at a governed 60 km/h would certainly be inviting parking tickets as well as hubcap thieves. Talking of which, the wheels in both versions do not take BMW hubcaps – drivers are not going to like this.

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The automatic hydraulic door is a big advantage over the minibus’ sliding door. If the passengers’ appendages are left sticking out, the sliding doors tend to guillotine them off, causing much smarting of the eyes. I was pleased to note that the maxi-taxi’s automatic doors, as they swing shut, tend to painlessly compress the passenger-load as opposed to trimming its edges. Passengers are going to welcome this Seat belts on all seats. This cuts by one third the number of passengers who are propelled to the front of the vehicle every time the brakes are applied.

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A warning: these buses may be safer than combi taxis, but when one is forced to take to the pavements in rush hour, they are decidedly less safe and badly frighten the pedestrians. However, the power steering does allow one to jink and manoeuvre among the traffic lanes without rolling the vehicle, which is a big time-saver as having to get everybody out to roll the taxi back onto its wheels is time consuming.

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It was, I must say, rather nice driving a bus with sturdy side-panels which do not flex like lungs when one plays music, and neither do the windows pop out, even when I play my Nine Inch Nails’ C.D. at a maximum volume creating some 210 decibels. Altogether I liked the package immensely

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End of Report

Dear Steve, praat sense of hou jou bek

Unlike you, I struggle to take things lying down. Your dramatic pamphlet is problematic. I’ll elaborate.

Firstly, when you need album sales, you become as Afrikaans as you can, then when it suits, you cling to these imagined roots. Last time I checked, yours were blond, big guy. So don’t go double-crossing that bridge, the past is behind us for as long as quantum physics wants it to be.

Europe may have given us some food for thought, but it also gave us the Inquisition, slavery, price-fixing, market manipulation, child prostitution and legitimised drug addiction — no one is innocent. Your tribe sacrificed a third of itself? I think you should ask Verimark if they need an infomercial writer, guy. That is primo drama la merde.

Secondly, when did you become an authority on humanity? Steve, you’re are the people’s pop tart, friend, and a good one. You made music to fulfil your dreams — namely wealth, fame and clearly as much sex as one can cram into a small life (and a google of none-the-wiser platteland vaginas). Hardly the stuff Bikos are made of, is it? He died for his belief, you wore a crash helmet in a car park instead of a condom, dude — let’s keep it real.

If this is insulting, keep swallowing, while we re-introduce reality back into nature. Why not leave the rhetoric to apt primates and stay with verse-chorus-verse, an appropriate format when singing to the choir?

Your critique of Africa’s failure to produce philosophy reminds me of Galileo and the church — “just because I can’t see it must mean it isn’t there” — it’s a big world, Stevie, and most of it is beyond the naked eye … you didn’t mention Ubuntu … is the concept not right up there with the best of Eastern spirituality?

Just because the practitioners are flawed, do we throw it out like unplanned babies with the mineral water? Are you aware that Africa doesn’t have a written tradition of knowledge? Did you know that they burned witches by the millions in Europe not so long ago? Or that in the 1940s “intellectual” Westerners eradicated 8 million Jews under the guidance of a lunatic? Were you aware of the genocides in Yugoslavia even more recently? Do you have the guts to admit that you flaw-fathers had a dark streak?

People are suggesting that you should lead your people, the sadness is that, looking at the outfits and the spit on their chins — maybe they are right — you seem to be heading to that level — and you seem to be breeding your own jungvolk anyway.

I know you are cross, we all get cross — but don’t go tossing your toys into the khaki abyss — your bratz may come back goose-stepping, china.

Next time you’re going to speak your mind, be sure you have enough material to work with.

Original Post http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/johnvlismas/2010/04/22/dear-steve-praat-sense-of-hou-jou-bek

--------As usual I could not shut up and had to reply----------

Dear John

The last time I looked there was exactly one government department working efficiently and that was SARS (why does that not surprise me)

Every other department is mired down in misadministration or corruption! From health to the military and lets not even mention Home affairs. With out fail they all an orgy of absolute decay. Now if you John are to blind to see any of this then you have to be a better comedian than you give yourself credit for!

Steve has only spoken the truth however speaking the truth in South Africa automatically seems to make you a racist? Why is it that all the woes and troubles of Africa are the white mans making or so the politely correct answer would seem to be.

When is Africa going to take fault and stand and say we have made things worse let’s fix them?

Just the past week our president sent out a small glimmer of culpability when he said “after nearly two decades we can no longer blame apartheid for every shortcoming in our government departments”

No my friend Steve stated the glaringly obvious not because he wanted to be racist or political but because it is none other than the truth. The truth is a double-edged sword in Africa for it does not set you free but rather it will get you locked up or killed. But if you choose to wear blinkers and not speak out but rather be a yellow bellied "yes man" then you are more than welcome to do so (understandably it’s the safe option for you)

I am always fascinated when a comedian or a rather washed up version of a comedian wants the world to take them seriously, it is always worth a laugh so John in closing thanks for the laugh

Wayne